“It is hardly possible for [us] to think too often or too deeply about [the glory] of our neighbor … It is a serious thing to live in a society of possible gods and goddesses, to remember that the dullest and most uninteresting person you talk to may one day be a creature which, if you saw it now, you would be strongly tempted to worship, or else a horror and a corruption such as you now meet, if at all, only in a nightmare. All day long we are, in some degree, helping each other to one or other of these destinations. It is in the light of these overwhelming possibilities, it is with the awe and the circumspection proper to them, that we should conduct all our dealings with one another, all friendships, all loves, all play, all politics. There are no ordinary people. You have never talked to a mere mortal. Nations, cultures, arts, civilization—these are mortal, and their life is to ours as the life of a gnat. But it is immortals whom we joke with, work with, marry, snub, and exploit—immortal horrors or everlasting splendors.” (C.S. Lewis, The Weight of Glory)

I was thinking recently about how apathetic I am about the future. I’ve found myself not studying for the first time in 4 years and I am inclined to blame my lack of motivation on laziness, but that isn’t really my nature. It has gotten me thinking instead about the nature of anticipation, what causes it to arise, and what causes it to fade away. On the way to Taiwan I watched “the reader” on the plane. When I got to the end of the movie I realized that I could not understand the main villain and character of the movie (kate winslet) and yet I loved the movie. It made me realize that many of the movies that I fall in love with, I love, precisely because the characters are so complex that I can’t relate with or understand them. I think it is not being able to understand things, or in other words, the unknown that makes things so interesting. As soon as I see a hint of predictability I lose all anticipation. I’m not going to be working in the big city anymore, the suburbs trap me in a more predictable lifestyle, and work gives me a more standard schedule. When I was in Taiwan, the lack of future spontaneity in my life, had me again considering being a missionary or pastor in the future. At first I thought that it might be a sinful desire because the desire for a nonpatterned life seems like a stupid rationale for doing something with your life. After looking at the life of Jesus, I wasn’t sure if the patterned parts simply weren’t chronicled or if there were no patterned parts in His life. Maybe consistent patterns stifles are inherent creativity, muffles our dreams, and makes us forget our desire for adventure. I pray that God will give me a direction in life that cannot be planned or predicted.

¹⁹Then a teacher of the law came to him and said, "Teacher, I will follow you wherever you go."

 ²⁰Jesus replied, "Foxes have holes and birds of the air have nests, but the Son of Man has no place to lay his head."

 ²¹Another disciple said to him, "Lord, first let me go and bury my father."

 ²²But Jesus told him, "Follow me, and let the dead bury their own dead."

-Matthew 8:19-22

I looked at Jonathan Edwards list of resolutions in awe and realized that I could possibly never come up with a list like that. I can come into this new year in repentance and I have a monster list of things to repent of that I think Edwards would have a difficult time coming up with.  My pastor in Atlanta always told me that he was “the greatest of all sinners, and the least of all saints.”

• In repentance because of how many times I have failed God this past year
• for all those that I have hurt
• for all that came out of my mouth that was not of God
• for all the times that I put my glory ahead of God’s glory
• for caring what others think more than what God thinks
• for being caught up in things that don’t matter
• for my pride, for my doubt in God
• for always being afraid of where I was going and nostalgic of where I had come
• for not praying enough
• for not being a challenging friend
• for being more interested in the global stock markets than the people in the world
• for being a needy boyfriend
• for making excuses
• for ignoring the scriptures
• for spending more time with school books than with people
• for my lust
• for my lack of reflection and dedication
• for my lack of joy
• for being invisible on AIM and skype because I thought I was too busy (someone vowed I would never become)
• for being angry
• for making my resume more important than my character
• for my unbroken heart in those places that should have been broken
• for not telling others about my hope in Jesus either because I was ashamed or just neglected to
• for not spending more time in repentance

Jocelyn and I were talking about how sad it is that we so often underestimate the importance of reflection. In some sense pictures are useful (justifiable for you women), if we can’t capture our memories in pictures or words they often get lost.  Sometimes I think I am so busy moving forwards that I forget to look back. You have stop and think in order to remember why you are even doing anything or believing anything at all beyond because someone told you. Why are you applying to colleges or jobs? Why are you trying to get good grades? Why don’t you think homosexuals should be able to get married? Why are you a Christian? I am looking back now at the mistakes that I have repeated over and over, at the joys that I forget to appreciate, and at what is important.



2008 was my seventh year as a Christian and probably my most challenging.  It was and is very difficult for me to sit here and candidly write about my past. I guess it is because I am afraid of what I see. I started off the year with youth ministry and starting a church/movement at the forefront of my mind. I was the only undergraduate taking new testament Greek and old testament theology in the theology school. I could not predict that I was about to begin a string of failures that would drive me further and further from this goal and instead drive my ambition towards finance. I worked so hard my junior year that by the time it was over I literally did not remember one thing about the year except that I was tired. Till this day I still believe I have only been in school for 3 years. By the end of February, somehow I landed my dream internship with Lehman Brothers. After my countless hours of worry I had to remind myself of these verses:

Ignoring what they said, Jesus told the synagogue ruler, "Don't be afraid; just believe."
Mark 5:36
Faith is being sure of what is hoped for and convicted of what is not seen
Hebrews 11:1



Soon after, I moved to New York for the summer where I was given great sermons at Joseph’s church, mind moving small groups, and the occasional guests from family, Jabez, Alex, Will and Jeremy. I discovered Pink Berry, my real passion for finance, the heartbeat of the city, late nights at work, waking up before 6, good cheap food, the heartbrokenness of the poor, and the beauty of skyscrapers. In the middle of my internship, Jabez my closest friend, left for Singapore. I found myself crying in the city for no apparent reason when thinking about this and to this day it is still something that I struggle with. After my internship, I was able to go to little lights for 3 weeks and find God again. Going from Manhattan to Anacostia, richest city in the world, to the city with the highest crime rate in the US was amazing. I found that it was obvious that we go to the city not so we can reach others but so that God can reach us, how is that for a hedonistic gospel? Undoubtedly God did amazing things, but by the end I continued to be skeptical; why was I such a product of my environments? For a long period of time, I had feelings for Carolyn and for some reason this summer (for better or worse) I could not hold it in any longer. I’m not sure if it was in anticipation that Jabez was leaving (because he is also basically dating), if it was my own immaturity, or if it happened to be God’s timing.



After the summer I was at the top of the world, at a spiritual high and more confident than ever, thinking that I could do whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted. In September, two significant events happened: Lehman Brothers went bankrupt (and soon after I was unemployed), and on the 22nd Carolyn and I started dating. This was both a period that was humbling, painful, and joyful. What I thought was finally going to be an easy semester ended up being more than 30 interviews in 7 different cities. I found nothing satisfying while no one found me competent and again I found that I had lost another semester, my confidence, and my spiritual high.



I look back and think, such is life: Periods of highs and lows, contentment and ambition, pride and fear, love and anger. I know that that is normal but I often question if that is what God wants: Life moving in cycles like our hunger; full in an instance and almost simultaneously planning for the next place to fulfill our desires. Whenever I brought my cyclical struggles to my friends they would tell me it was normal. God forbid (sarcasm) someone would tell me to stop wasting my time doing things that were not of God and challenge me to live like a new creation.  Carolyn and I come from environments and friendship circles that prefer to make us feel good rather than to say something offensive. I found that my greatest fear this year was that I would not be special, somehow locked in second-rate mediocrity unable to get out if I did not get out now. The end of the story is a common one. I am still alive, I live an absolutely wonderful life, and the fact that I have not been struck dead for my above sins is through grace alone. I need to stop sometimes to remember just how much God has blessed me like taking a jump in an ice cold pool, or listening to your favorite song live.

The Big Day - Sept 22nd


As pessimistic as I am, I have to be optimistic about the New Year. Mikey and Gideon are getting married. The stock market is at a 10 year low (how much worse could it get?). Will is finally out of Maryland and doing what he loves and is good at (sure to be humbled by the city and all its glory). We have a new president. Jabez finally passed his fitness test and is finally in the army (why did you go back to Singapore that early anyways?). U2 and Mute Math are coming out with new CDs (and that means on tour). Carolyn is finding her own faith, while working with kids, picking her major, singing, discovering new and old friends, and hopefully falling more in love with me.  10 years later, Starcraft 2 is said to be out in 2009.  Alex is entering his last year at Moody and now has to show Will the ropes, find a job, and find a girl. My brother will climb over the wall of sin this year and how fulfilling the grace of Jesus is.  I am only taking 2 classes this semester, I have absolutely no idea what I am going to do when I graduate and we are entering February, the same month I got my internship last year. I have more uncertainty and flexibility in my life than I have ever had, and there is no place like it, relying more on where God leads me and less on where my ambition takes me.  There is no place like God’s arms when we are lost, confused, anxious, and empty.

Delight yourself in the Lord, and he will give you the desires of your heart.
-Psalm 37:4



“Life can only be understood backwards, it must be lived forward.”
-Benjamin Button Trailer (favorite movie of 2008)